25 Facts that every parent knows…

Whether they want to or not!!

  1. Your baby is guaranteed to sleep for longer and deeper if you have planned something and need to go out so have to wake them
  2. When you’re in public and your baby cries, so a number of strangers feel the need to advise you they are hungry.
  3. You will ask your other half permission to do the most mundane things, such as asking to have a shower or a bath in peace and baby free. It will then feel like a mini break – all 20 minutes of it.
  4. When you finally get into the shower you will repeatedly turn it on, then off again. On, then off again. Every time you shower, you’ll swear down you can hear your baby crying.
  5. The magnitude of the farts such a small human can produce. The volume and usually the follow through can be shocking.
  6. Each time you sit down to eat a meal, your baby will cry. But don’t worry, you’ll get used to eating cold food.
  7. This most definitely applies for hot drinks too. Tea and coffee will now always be lukewarm before hitting your lips, maybe best to stick to squash?
  8. You will remember you forget to pop fresh breast pads in when your baby cries whilst out in public and a full moon shape appears over your fullest boob.
  9. Your baby will only ever leak poo out from their nappy if they’re wearing white or another light obvious colour. If the smell and sound it came out with hadn’t got your attention, the poonami stain appearing before your eyes most certainly will. Again, normally in public. Also, normally when you forgot to replenish the change of clothes after last time you went out and the same thing occured. This will also occur on the first and only occasion you forget to replenish the nappies in the bag- a mistake you don’t ever wish to repeat.
  10. You feel you are in an ever losing battle against your child’s finger nails which grow at an exponential rate, they are also lethal weapons
  11. Your baby will gain hulk strength and can position themselves gymnast ruler straight when you try to put them in their car seat. Trying to bend them in half they will scream the place down as if you are murdering them, for all passers-by to hear.
  12. You will become a professional wrestler, and able to pin your baby down using all your limbs to assist you in the battle of getting them dressed. This is truly hard work if they don’t want to get dressed that day.
  13. Your baby will have a much better wardrobe than you. This includes their rubbish clothes (usually poonami stained) that you will put them in when they are at home and not seeing anybody. You will then dress them in something decent about 30 seconds before walking out the house, so that it stays clean.
  14. It’s called post-partum hair loss after having a baby not just because most of your hair falls out of its own free will, but also because your baby will want to scalp you and if they get the death grip on that fistful of hair- it’s gone!
  15. If you have a breastfed baby, they are not particularly coy in letting you know they are ready for a feed. When hanger hits they begin face planting your boobs in the hope a nipple may appear, this applies to anyone with a bosom lucky to be holding them at the time- milk or no milk.
  16. You become a pro at bogey fishing. It even becomes pretty enjoyable getting that sticky ‘whack attack’ style one that kept disappearing on you.
  17. Hulking your baby round every day- You will develop one arm to rival Arnold Schwarzenegger
  18. You will be so proud when your little one accomplishes something like rolling over, and then probably cry about it as you’re so sad and happy at the same time that they are growing up too fast!
  19. You absent mindedly turn every nursery rhyme into an Adele performance- usually when the baby is nowhere in sight, as this is the music engrained into you now.
  20. Your baby will only want to play with the most dangerous things you own. All those super expensive wonderful toys you have bought them, they will dismiss. If in doubt a cardboard box to play with is always a hit!
  21. The dog howling won’t wake your baby up, but the noise of slipping quietly into bed and moving the duvet cover will.
  22. You will find you speak far too much about poo. If it’s not the midwives/ health visitors asking about yours, it becomes a constant conversation about the babies. Then when they are old, your baby will become poo obsessed too!!
  23. Your personal standards will have dropped significantly, like not caring when you have a bit of leg stubble poking through your leggings, or that your roots are so long they look like your hair is dip dye.
  24. Most importantly of all you will feel pretty amazing!! Because you’re muddling through each day doing the best you can, with a gorgeous baby who thinks you are gods gift.

25. You’re doing awesome, and often need to cut yourself some slack

 

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